*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
You Might Also Like
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I only eat vegetarians.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer