Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
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Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”