I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones