unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Ummm
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!