If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else