Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.