Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Fries, not lies.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Who says great literature is dead?
the saddest jazz hands ever
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person