The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Perfect.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
ugh not again
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.