I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best