Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You Might Also Like
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese