Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.