*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
You Might Also Like
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie