I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Dammit Chief not again
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.