My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died