Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
You Might Also Like
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
yeah 😭
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”