this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I can’t deal with men any longer
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
marvel comics have peaked
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind