Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
You Might Also Like
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
😂😂😂😂😂😂
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.