“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
We need to put an American base on the sun
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.