Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
who will stop them
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”