i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
*gets down on one knee*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.