Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.