(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…