*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW