A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
yeah 😭
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot