HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
A timely reminder before St. Patrick鈥檚 Day. #PaddynotPatty
me: I鈥檓 into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what鈥檚 ur favourite
me: canola
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 馃
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how鈥檚 your day going?
knights of the ikea table
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.