It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
LOOOOOOL
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Can’t. Being lazy.