Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
starting a garage orchestra
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure