The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
do horses think humans are hats
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…