*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You Might Also Like
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Very good! 👍😂
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Unexpected Judgment
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached