Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.