WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Van Gone
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me