Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.