If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
emergency phone
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom