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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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