I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[eats all your cotton candy]
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
*seductively eats two tums*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
i hope my email finds you on fire
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK