Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.