HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.