I miss this era type of pranks😭
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
@funTweeters
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.