My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Pretty much. 🤣
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.