‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I triple waxed for this?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never