NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
not to brag, but mine was free
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it