Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter