9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time