Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?