Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Happens to everyone.