If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.