Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My dad teaching me to drive
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver