*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?