I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
you have three unread messages
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay