ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
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Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit